New Year. New Baby. Pepsi Bottle Faith.
Stories. Musings. Sometimes Poems.
As January winds it's way to a close
Our minds naturally turn to change
New years and new seasons
Change however
Can be a dicey mistress
We all like to think we can roll with it
I have always prided myself on my adaptability
My knack for making even a difficult transition into a good one
My young life was littered with change
Most of it not very good
I always found the way through the brush to the brightness
2016 was the year the "brush" really kicked my ass
Let me 'splain
The story starts as most stories do
With expectations
An idea or a plan in my heart
How the next step of our lives would go
Baby Daddy and I
Still in love
Even more than we were when we met
One beautiful child under our belt
Career highlights on the horizon
Plans to buy and sell a house
Make some extra money
Get ahead
Climb all the mountains
We had promises and hope and the aforementioned expectations
Then the inevitable happened
Nothing went like it was supposed to
Things didn't necessarily crumble or go badly
But they didn't go the way I planned
The way we had hoped for
The house went to someone else
The highlights still shone
But not from where we thought
We had some really large adjustments to make
So many good things happened
Some things we didn't expect
The careers wandered into some profitable pastures we didn't see
We got pregnant with our second child
Sounds pretty easy right
Nothing earth shattering
Everyday life stuff
The problem with the story is me
Being a full blown Taurus
I can be somewhat bull headed
Despite my admiration of my own ability to make a negative into a positive
I really don't like it when things don't go the way I want them to
I like to settle in and get comfortable
And have no one mess with my shit
So, when Baby Daddy said to me, while I was pregnant and vomiting at the slightest provocation, that we would be moving back into Nashville proper, into a much smaller house, I didn't exactly shine like the sun.
Quite the opposite in fact
I became a thunderous dark cloud of heaviness
I'm ashamed to say as much as I told myself that this was the best thing for us, and how great it would be to downsize and to be closer to town, I basically became a giant whiny fussy ball of nauseated negativity
I cried and wretched and resisted and complained
Every day or so, I would feel bad about my lousy attitude, and apologize to the Universe and to Baby Daddy, and try to be positive and happy
But it never stuck
Deep down
I felt like God had just dealt me a blow to the face
Things did not go the way I planned
This was unacceptable damnit
Per usual
My sorrow manifested as anger
Anger that dissolved into near constant weeping
As we packed up our happy country home, the one Athena had taken her first steps in, the one with all the white walls and two bathrooms, the one we had put so much of our hope into, I cried and drug my feet and generally made everythingreally unbearable.
In my small defense, anyone who has ever been pregnant can tell you, the first trimester is not the best time try to have a good attitude about anything.
My physical misery and my emotional pain combined for a one two punch that kept me on the floor for a couple of months.
As we moved into our new place and my nausea started to alleviate, my spirit slowly began to rally.
In the shower one day, I hung my head like a child and pleaded...sincerely this time, for the Lord to forgive my asshat attitude.
I begged Him to help me see the positive things, or at the very least, that He would help me to pretend, and to stop being the bearer of all the sadness all the damn time.
So the next Sunday at church
Another good thing 2016 had laid out for us
Baby Daddy and I sat and listened to a teaching that was written very specifically for us
It was all about trust
It was all about being free from anxiety and worry
It was all about believing that God has your very best in the works
Even when you can't see it
Our pastor told a story about a time when his own hopes were seemingly dashed
He left his really good job for a new and better job
Bought some land to build a dream house
Moved his family
Only to find upon arrival
The job was not to be
An unforeseen hiring freeze
Instead of a dream house
They moved in with his wife's parents
Along with their THREE children
Sold the land they had saved and hoped for
Just to make money to live
He told about the day he went out to that land to clear it
So they could show it to a potential buyer
As he talked about hacking down weeds in frustration
I could only imagine myself
Being dragged kicking and screaming into a perfectly nice living situation
Basically furnished with everything we need
He said while he was hacking away
He came across an old Pepsi bottle
A really cool vintage one from the 50's
It must have laid there for years
Waiting to be found
He picked it up
Cleaned it off
Decided to keep it as a talisman of faith
Faith that everything would eventually work out for the good
A new dream would come
And it did
A better job arrived
A house
A path and so on
It turned out
That something much greater was waiting
Under the guise of a really crappy circumstance
I don't think I have ever cried upon hearing a story about a Pepsi bottle
But as I sat there
Tears welled in my eyes
The Universe was talking to me
Baby Daddy reached over and squeezed my hand
When we got home
Everything looked different
I got out the Christmas boxes and started to decorate
Before I knew what was what
The tiny place I had told myself I hated
Became a familiar place of joy and refuge
My Hobbit hole of happiness
A place I could make lovely for my family
A place I could celebrate and be grateful for
I could only imagine myself
Being dragged kicking and screaming into a perfectly nice living situation
Basically furnished with everything we need
He said while he was hacking away
He came across an old Pepsi bottle
A really cool vintage one from the 50's
It must have laid there for years
Waiting to be found
He picked it up
Cleaned it off
Decided to keep it as a talisman of faith
Faith that everything would eventually work out for the good
A new dream would come
And it did
A better job arrived
A house
A path and so on
It turned out
That something much greater was waiting
Under the guise of a really crappy circumstance
I don't think I have ever cried upon hearing a story about a Pepsi bottle
But as I sat there
Tears welled in my eyes
The Universe was talking to me
Baby Daddy reached over and squeezed my hand
When we got home
Everything looked different
I got out the Christmas boxes and started to decorate
Before I knew what was what
The tiny place I had told myself I hated
Became a familiar place of joy and refuge
My Hobbit hole of happiness
A place I could make lovely for my family
A place I could celebrate and be grateful for
Not my ultimate dream
But a stop along the way to something greater
A Pepsi bottle
To help me build some faith that was worth a damn
So
As I sit here
One month into 2017
Envisioning the precious nursery nook I will create in our room
For the new baby
Planning what to plant in all the pots on the deck
When Spring comes
I'm exceedingly thankful for our tiny home
Thankful that it affords me extra time with the Love of my Life
Thankful for the hours he gets to spend with our daughter
instead of commuting in the car and trying to catch up on sleep
Thankful that I'm closer to friends and to support and to our favorite place for cappuccinos and pancakes
Really really thankful that it takes me no more than 10 minutes to deep clean the whole damn place
Something a now five months pregnant Kathryn can really get excited about
This year
We have dreams
We have ambitions and goals
We have hope
More importantly
We have love
Real love that has been tested
Grown stronger and richer and fuller
We have real love coupled with faith
Faith that no matter what our dreams are
The Author and finisher of our faith
Has more in store for us than we could even imagine
Better things than we could plan for
Bigger plots of land
Horizons that stretch farther than we can see
Is there a circumstance in your life that could use some Pepsi bottle type faith?