The Remains of Me
6 months pregnant
Means
According to the internet
“Your belly becomes well-rounded and begins to affect your bearing”
Yes
Thank you for that
Your ligaments stretch and weaken
Because of increased water retention
You move awkwardly and become quite clumsy
Ataxia is the science term
It’s what happens to drunk people
If you’re me
By the end of the night your muscles feel like they are full of acid
Your joints ache deeply
Leaning forward is a near impossibility
Parts of your body that your 14 year old self may have once or twice admonished to “Get growing!”
Have now swollen to mammoth proportions
Something mighty
Like the prow of a ship
Your wiggly stomach prevents any sort of comfortable sleeping position
Your body and mind feel so fatigued and worn down
It’s like having a hangover without the fun drinking part
The only real solid nature gives you
Is that if it’s your second child
You really do forget any of this happening to you before
So to coin a phrase
It feels like the very first time
Thanks Nature
Wiggly stomach occupant
Is now nearly the size of a cauliflower
A CAULIFLOWER
The vegetable equivalent of whats chilling in my stomach
Her eyes are open
So she can respond to light
She can recognize familiar voices and react to them
Like the very serious talk we had about getting the hell off of Mommy’s left hip and relocating to the middle where she belonged
So I could stop hobbling around like a peg legged sailor
Said scolding seems to have actually worked by the way
She likes tacos and waffles with greek yogurt and blueberries and listening to Henry Mancini
My first daughter
Who only enjoyed Greek food
Giant piles of Pineapple and Pantera
Is such a force of nature
That as I sit here writing this
It’s hard to imagine having two of them
Some say it’s easier
Some say it’s impossible
I say
Deuce doesn't mean shit for nothing
I mean
Generally two of something is better
If you got two cashmere sweaters
Instead of just one
You'd be stoked
And I am stoked
But what if it's too much cashmere
What if I drown in cashmere
What if I develop an allergy
Irrational maternal panic aside
Last night
Whilst I was feeling every tiny bit of 6 months along
Baby Daddy and I had a stay in date night
Something we do almost every night
Unless he has a gig
I made tacos
We ate cookies
And we crawled into bed early and watched
The Remains of the Day
Probably not a movie many of you have seen
But it’s one of the greats
Anthony Hopkins at his very best
Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson...at their very best.
Although it’s quite melancholy
It tells a valuable truth
Don’t be so busy “serving” that you never live
So enslaved to what you “should” do
That you miss the magical things life gives you
Once the moment to seize them has passed
They sometimes can’t be retrieved
In addition to the great Joy that fills my heart
Laying in bed with a man who likes to eat cookies and pistachios and watch cerebral movies with me and then discuss them at length
And in spite of my physical weary discomfort
While we talk about the look on the able Butler’s face when he realizes
The mistake of his life can’t be corrected
The time to seize it has passed
He has played it safe instead of being overtaken
It occurs to me with some force
Force enough to jar me out of my misery
For all the MANY mistakes I have made
For all the times I’ve thought to myself
“Way to totally miss the mark Kathryn. You idiot.”
Thank God
I didn’t make that one
When life sent me my magic
I wrapped my greedy arms around it
And went about the business of having it’s babies
Made all the choices
The world told me were crazy
I signed up
To be pregnant and uncomfortable
To be full and busy and mostly exhausted
To argue and then laugh till our stomaches hurt
To revel in the daily process
Of doing life with someone
To have a pair of eyes that have never seen the world before
Stare into mine
To recognize my voice and know I am Mommy
Not to choose what's easy or generally acceptable
But instead
To live
Really really live
Baby girl cauliflower starts her shadow boxer dance in my tummy
(Think Elaine on Seinfeld)
Baby Daddy and I talk some more
He tells me about the moment he saw that "something"
In my smile
The moment he knew
That moment probably looked something like this. If you want some beautiful pics of you and your family...go to www.hilaryduke.com
I listen to the resonate sound of his voice
Close my eyes in contentment
Momentarily ignore my suffering
Stuff one more pillow between my knees
Run my palm
Over my ever stretching stomach
Remind myself to never be so busy “serving”
That I miss the magic
Is there some magic in your life that needs tackling?