Oh Holy Night

The last couple weeks have been so full for our family

Full of great things on the horizon

Beautiful dreams

Our children are growing and thriving and wonderful

Our friends are like family

We have had lots to laugh about

We have worked on things we love

We have also ALL come down the with a cold twice

Gotten not nearly enough sleep

And Mommy’s back went totally out 

Like for real totally

As in little to no movement without excruciating pain

Not the best for a lady who has to herd cats all day

By cats I mean literal cats

And my toddler and now crawling infant

 An early morning trip to the hospital and some rest have me on the mend

I can pick up my babies again and mostly handle my shit

Still 

We have been so happy and blessed and fortunate

Tonight

After a couple days of long hours

Baby Daddy and I hoped for an early bedtime

Especially Baby Daddy

Since he played a show till 2 am

So of course 

Both the girls resisted

And they both wanted only Mommy

So 

I put My Love to bed

I snuggled my Glory Girl within an inch of her life until she finally sighed with grin and gave in

She generally just wants to smile as much as she can before losing consciousness 

Then there’s my Goddess Girl

My Athena

She sang in her bed and squirmed and fought and basically dug her heels in

Even under the threat of “Big Trouble”

I put her back to bed for seemingly the millionth time 

And went to rest in the rocking chair with a heating pad on my back

Literally three second passed 

Before a curly mop head peeked around the corner

I looked at her in exasperation

An angelic grin spread over her face

She looked at me like I was a simpleton and said

“Athena not tired Mommy.”

In a split second 

All my childhood memories of my own mother

The ones I keep buried really deep so that I can do everyday shit
Like fold laundry and buy groceries without weeping

Came rushing up from my heart and into my brain

Suddenly

I could almost smell her nightgown
And hear her humming
The creak of the wood as she held me close in the rocking chair
All the nights I couldn’t sleep

Those nights were many

She never turned me down
If I couldn’t sleep
And she was home from work
She rocked me till I fell asleep

A fissure of warmth shot through my sternum
As I gazed into the black eyes of my precocious three year old

“Come to Mommy.”

I said

The hopeful grin broke into a sun shattering smile as she scampered over and crawled up into my lap

The cat came too

And so instead of bedtime

We rocked in the rocking chair

I buried my face in her sweet smelling curls

We scratched the ‘Kit Cat’s” ears 

Counted ornaments on the tree

Turned out the lamp so it would really glow

We sat underneath it and fashioned tear drop shaped decorations 

Out of metallic pipe cleaners

Hung them on the branches and laughed

Then she looked at me and sighed and said

“Athena lay down now.”

So I scooped her up

Tucked her in

And out she went

No resistance and no “Big Trouble”

Just a hug and some prayers and a kiss

I learned a very important lesson in how to raise children tonight

I’m not even sure what it is exactly

But I learned it

More than that

I know

When my daughter is grown 

She won’t remember so much

All the times we executed a perfect bedtime

But maybe

She’ll remember ornaments made of pipe cleaners

The sound of a creaking rocking chair

Glistening lights on a tree

Maybe Christmas time will always be her favorite

And whenever she’s sad or feeling alone or frustrated

She’ll think about how Mommy never turned her down

Maybe she’ll remember my sweater