"Don't worry baby"

There’s a verse in the Bible

One in particular

“Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also”

Simple enough

Nothing revolutionary

Most of us have read or heard it enough times

That it’s like reading the back of cereal box

Instead of an inspired word

And treasure can seem antiquated

Not like Money or power

Who has treasure anymore

Treasure can be a pain

Literally 

If you give your heart to the wrong thing

I’ve done that plenty

Gratefully

And mostly as result of doing the exact opposite of what was expected

I have places to put my heart now

As the final days 

Of what will likely be 

My final pregnancy

Wind to what seems like a drudging close

The verse about treasure and hearts

Keeps dancing through my mind

This pregnancy has been tough

The two years in between have made a difference

So has having a two year old

My joints have ached

Boiled rather

My body has protested

I have been cranky and irritated and overly emotional

I have lost my temper more

Slept less

Thrown up so much that my cheeks are still speckled with broken blood vessels

Stretched to unbelievable proportions

And generally struggled through

On the other hand

I couldn’t be more eager to meet my new magical girl

Though she has assaulted my insides these many months

And made me more uncomfortable than her sister ever even thought to do

I can’t help but light up

When she pokes her tiny fist out of my stomach

Waits for me to touch her

Then rubs her hand up and down my palm

I can't help but smile

When the Beach Boys comes on

And she suddenly calms in stomach 

The love 

And the suffering

Can seem equal parts overwhelming

As I think of this

I have to be grateful for my partner

There’s no one better to do life with

He never lets me wallow

He generally always gives me a break

He forces me to nap when I really need it

His grin and his two front teeth 

And the love he lavishes on our daughter

Are rare and precious to me

After admitting some fear

Over the surgical certainty that awaits me 

He pets my hair 

Acknowledges my fear

But sets me right

“You’ve done this once before. You can do it again.”

C-sections get a bum wrap in Mommy world

I would like to lie and defend my maternal comrades

But the truth is

Upon hearing how I delivered my first daughter

I have experienced judgement and pity 

Far more than high fives and hand shakes

When I was pregnant with my first

She was the culmination of a love I sacrificed much to find

She was a divine promise kept

A healing treasure

Her tiny heart pumping strong and healthy

I was certain 

When the time came 

That I would push her out of my body with little to no complications

The same providence that had led me to her Father

Would guide her safely out of my womb

When delivery day arrived 

None of that happened

Everything went wrong

Literally everything

My body was just unable to do the work

Basically

I’m one of those people that before the advent of modern medicine 

Would have died in childbirth

Taking my treasure with me

Here I could list a litany of medical validations and “reasons” why

But what it boils down to is this

I fought against a cesarean birth for 23 hours

I fought against the advice of my doctors and nurses

The advice of my family

In the end

I only released my grip

When my on call doctor

A literal God send

Explained to me in earnest

That to proceed in my stubborn will

Would result in serious injury to not only me

But to my treasure 

In a second it was decided

After that I never hesitated

“Do whatever you need”

The little girl who now kept my heart must be protected

The true experience of birthing life

Seems to be no different

Than what women have relayed to me about their vaginal births

I was resolute but also terrified

Strangely steady

 Ready at any second

If need be

To sacrifice my own life

To keep that tiny heart beating

He was there by my side

Likely also terrified

But steadfast

I saw her first 

Through his eyes

As they lifted her safely out of my open body

And honestly

I don’t think there was a better seat in the house

When they placed her on my chest

The universe had meaning 

Every atom in the world seemed to rejoice at her arrival

I never missed a bit of magic

Because of 

Or in spite of 

Her entry into the world

If I had gone to the post office to pick her up

The getting of her

The receiving of that treasure would have been no less wondrous

As I type this overly emotional 

Maybe melodramatic piece

As I try to conjure up a way to not be frightened of being cut open again

Splayed out and sewn back up like scarecrow

The only steady reason that comes  

Is the new treasure squirming inside me

The new piece of my heart 

That will live outside my body

I look over at My Love

Holding our Daughter while they work a crossword puzzle

He is treasure 

Together we have been allowed to spin straw into gold

I think of his 6’ 2” build 

Squished onto a hospital couch

 I tell him 

“It’s okay you know…after the first day or two if you want to go sleep at the house.”

My offer is met with a resolute steely answer

One that has obviously never even been questioned in his own mind

“No. Hell no. I’m not leaving you.”

The tone of his voice closes the subject down like an impenetrable vault

I smile softly and nod

No arguments

Without it being said

I know I’m a place

Where he keeps his heart

Unexpectedly I remember 

I can even briefly smell the sterile hospital air

The watery bitter coffee mixed with Styrofoam

I remember my own resolute answer 

To my Mother’s nurses

After days of extended vigil

“No. I’m not leaving her.”

And that return alone

That reaping of a love sown so long ago

Brings the calm

The gates don’t seem as terrible 

All the worries transform 

Into gold and diamonds and rubies

The days seem suddenly short

I am a treasure 

I have treasured

There is more treasure to come