Whistling in the Dark

Whistling in the Dark

There’s an ugly tree in my yard

Misshapen

Maybe by disease

Maybe by default

Pruned too vigorously or wrongly

Maybe it was lovely and sprawling once

Parts of it are dead

Parts of if it grow green where it seems

Nothing should grow

It’s trunk

A simple child’s drawing

It’s not beautiful

I stare at it every morning

Sometimes during the day or evening

I listen to the Mancini/Mercer tune

Sung by Julie Andrews

“Whistling in the Dark”

A repeat jam

Since my tumultuous childhood

I imagine my tree in a happy park

Surrounded by other trees

In the falling darkness

While I walk home

Bravely

I have become mildly obsessed with it’s company

Through the glass

It brought me comfort today

While I prayed over

No less than 5 people I love

And love dearly

Who are suffering

In one way or another

As I once again

Examine my own life

Under the sometimes too harsh light of self evaluation

I feel humbled and ill equipped

And uncontrollably maternal

I would feed and Mother the whole of the world if I could

Maybe this misfit foliage

Reminds me of myself

Trimmed too aggressively here

Allowed too much room to grow there

Important supports broken or missing

Many superfluous branches piled onto

Unworthy twigs

Mistakes were made

Disasters survived

Scars compounded

But still it stands

And not to overly emotionally identify with a large plant

But sometimes

Especially lately

Standing

Seems to be my only merit

Not to say my life isn’t Joy

It is full of brightness and ineffable goodness

My family is magical and healthy and in love

But just like my mangled tree

The healthy and the broken

Often grow together

I had a dream a couple moons ago

Less a dream

More “night time ceiling fan encounter”

With the Almighty

He has always lived in my ceiling fan

At any rate

I lay there in the stillness

Listening to Leroy breathe

Questioning

Seeking some strange eternal validation

My life has been nothing

If not an unconventional path

Was I Esther

Raised for such a time as this

Was I David

Monstrous and melodious

And after God’s own heart

Maybe Jospeh

A dreamer awaiting a reprieve

Then I heard His voice

Soft and strong and sweet in my heart

“My child, You are Lazurus.”

The weight of this settled onto my restless soul

Like a shroud

As tears pooled onto my pillow

I understood

He spoke again

“I will come and resurrect you.

All you must do is rest and wait.

It will likely be the day after you think it should be.”

A heavy revelation for a lifelong achiever

And well intentioned sometimes control freak

But what peace and relief

All I have to do

Is rest in the dark

Stand

When my name is called

It’s raining now

I sit here again

Looking at my tree

Wrestling with the ache and the triumph

Of just being human

The shining joys and the deep sorrows

Of life and death

The brand new face

Hands and hope

Growing in my belly

The songs in the dark

During a seemingly deadly night