32 and pretty damn sleek. Photo by Rob Culpepper

Yesterday I saw a picture of myself

Taken five years ago

I was 32

One year before I came to Nashville to party

And instead

Stumbled across my soulmate

I had travelled the caribbean for work

A dream job if ever there was one

I was tan like I like to be

Thin

Slender like when people tell you to have a sandwich

Sleek hair and manicured nails

I lived in a loft downtown by myself

A post divorce aspiration I worked hard to fulfill

Work was great

I generally had lots of gigs

I walked to breakfast every morning

Knew all the people who made my coffee and poured my drinks

Had dinners and park hangs and lived a life that seemed generally fulfilling and happy

I wanted to love my life so bad then

I had everything I wanted

But as usually happens when you think you have everything

Deep down

If I stopped for even a moment

I was actually pretty empty and miserable in lots of ways

The one thing I really wanted

The thing I told myself was silly to want

Continued to elude me

A family

I had fashioned my own family so to speak

People who are still part of my bloodstream

But the cavern yawned ever widening in my heart

So what’s a girl who has it all to do

I just never stopped

I drank a lot

I stayed busy

I texted

Became anxious if my phone was ever not in my hand

Distraction became something to master

I tolerated things that were intolerable

Gave more of myself than was necessary

Or even sane

Rode the rollercoaster of “I’m happy! I should be happy…why am I not happy? Something must be wrong with me…I’m happy!”

ALL DAY LONG

Nights were the worst

Sleeping in my giant bed

In my giant loft

Listening to the echo of concrete down all the halls around me

But I was skinny and tan and had lots of jobs and a loft downtown

I was also terrified all of the time

Terrified that this was it

This was all my life would ever be

I would never meet “him”

Never have the babies I so secretly wanted

Never have a family of my own to cook for

Don’t get it twisted

Some of those days

Were also the best days of life

Memories and experiences I wouldn’t trade

Still

When I saw that picture

So many emotions came up at once

Of course being now nine months pregnant

The first was a small amount of shame for being the girl that never works out

And a very great longing for high waisted jeans and crop tops

The second was an immediate need for one whole day of laying in the sun

The third was universe shifting relief

“I’m not her anymore.”

Five years later

No one

(Except for my Catie)

Ever tells me I need a sandwich

In fact people rarely tell me anything

They are too busy drooling over my curly haired precocious charmer of a two year old

I don’t work all the gigs I used to

Although I have new gigs

Ones that are fulfilling to me as well as lucrative

I don’t have time to make my hair sleek very often

Or darken my eyes to smolder

My life does that for me

My nails are rarely red

I spend a lot of my time cooking

Hanging out with my family

Doing all the boring life things with my very best friend

We laugh more than we cry

Love more than we fight

His heart understands mine

Without hesitation

He also happens to be one of the hottest dudes on planet earth

Like really hot

He wrote a song about me

He shreds a mean guitar

He puts me back together when I need it

Which when I’m this pregnant

Is nearly every moment

He’s smart and loyal and super kind

Loves a good crossword puzzle

He has a really dark sense of humor

If he knew how to close a cabinet

He would be damn near perfect

The place we live in is the opposite of giant

I fall asleep pretty readily now

Buried under cats and sometimes a toddler

Always one arms length away from the love of my life

The road to ones true self can be rocky

Everyone has seasons in their life

I’m grateful for all of mine

Even the dark ones

Grateful for my hips that are wider

For the scar across my abdomen

That brought my daughter safely into the world

I like my face without makeup now

My disheveled hair seems pretty cool too

I will never be as thin as I was in that picture ever again

Or that lonely

The road to here was not only rocky

It was unexpected

It was lots of determining to be the kind of person I was supposed to be

Whether the results I wanted came or not

Lots of humility and circumstances that looked pretty dastardly at first

Only to reveal themselves as the golden twilight

Before a bright morning

I didn’t do what was best for my career

I ignored the voice in my head that told me to be afraid

I finally got out of my own way

Placed one foot in front of the other until

The time for tans and worrying about myself much at all

Had come to an end

“God places the lonely in families. He sets the prisoners free and gives them Joy.”

Now

There are runny noses to be wiped

A tiny kicking Jedi Master

That has taken up residence in my womb

Sidewalk chalk masterpieces to be made

Smiles to drink

Pancakes for Breakfast

Sunshine to play chase in

A sink of dishes nearly everyday

Friends who are family

And a closet full of clothes in the basement

Waiting for the Goodwill

That never really fit me anyways

Fuzzy haired and full. No makeup and never really by myself....like ever.

The Skinny