Birdie and bedtimes and the lost art of The Lazy

I don’t want to write a post about self care

The internet is littered with Mommy blogs telling us we need to take better care of ourselves if we are to take care of others

Refill our cups so they may be poured out 

I tend to think we should refill our cups so that they will be full

You should take care of yourself because you deserve it

Not because someone else will need you later

Having said that

I’m really bad at it for any reason

I’m not so sure it isn’t just laziness

Blessed sweet laziness

That keeps me watching Star Trek when I should be getting pedicures and making hair appointments and "getting after it"

Today was trying

Not very much sleep last night

New baby seems to think there is a way to eventually punch her way out of my stomach

I seriously looked down several times half expecting to see her tiny foot sticking out of my skin

Maybe she’s claustrophobic

I can respect that

Needless to say

I lost my temper a good deal today with my eldest

She has such a strong will

She looks at me sometimes when I tell her not to do something

And I swear her little face reads

“Are you seriously telling me to not do what I want to do?”

In genuine bewilderment she will eventually bend to my much more tempered will

Still staring at me in disbelief

She is her Mother’s daughter through and through

Thankfully she has her Father’s sense of levity

As parents we balance each other so well

I couldn’t be more grateful for that

He changes diapers and gives the baths and makes the laundry basket into a rocket ship

Watching them together is the greatest joy of my whole life thus far

Still

After losing my temper one last time while putting her to bed

I sat down on the couch and cried

Just for a minute or two

Nothing too serious

I thought to myself for second

“Kathryn, don’t be such an asshole parent. You should be more patient and you should be better and you should…”

Then I stopped myself abruptly

No

I should be human

My daughter should get to see me be human

I should do her the solid of letting her know when she has pissed me off

My Mother lost her temper with me plenty when she was trying to wrangle me into some semblance of a decent human

I loved her no less for it

In fact

As I got older

It made me love her more

I respected her 

And her advice

I knew it came from someplace authentic

Instead of some hippy bullshit Facebook article

Or some need she had 

To say the right thing

As I sat contemplating the massive amounts of stupid useless stress I give myself trying to be a good Mom on paper

I heard a few tiny footsteps 

Totter to the corner of the sofa and then stop

I turned my head to see my other worldly fantastical beautiful daughter staring at me through a disheveled muss of curls

She wasn’t upset 

Or nervous

Or even devious

She was just looking at me and waiting

In place of chiding her for being out of bed

I took a deep breath and said

“Honey, is something wrong? You aren’t supposed to be awake.”

Her perfect little face broke into my favorite toothy grin

“Hey Momm-eee!”

She exclaimed

And ran to me

I scooped her up and propped her on top of her wiggly sister

Kissed her all over her face and said 

“Hey Bay-bee!”

She buried her head into my shoulder and I carried her back into her room

I put her down and instructed her to climb into bed

She looked at me for a few seconds as I waited on her to comply

She put both her hands on either side of my stomach and rested her head on the middle of my belly

Said her sister's name out loud for the first time and giggled

With that

She climbed into bed and asked for her bunny and fell to sleep

I waddled my way back out to the sofa

Sat down in some disbelief of my own

As my stomach continued to undulate with my slam dancing youngest

I took a big swig of water and said out loud to myself

“You did good today Mom.”

I put my planner away

No more ’To-Do” list staring at me

I should do a face mask

I should finish the laundry

I should give more shits

But I decide not to

No more “shoulds”

Instead

I take my tired achy Mommy body to a really

Really hot shower

Then to bed

Where I will watch Star Trek and eat Fritos

Hopefully sleep a little

Wait to hear the birds wake up before the sun

And two tiny feet

On their way to my room