Don't Dream It's Over, Part 1
The little blue candle
Is unbroken
I measure it
By my fingers
The waitress gave us two that night
Pink and blue
So we’d have a keepsake
Either way
I talk to my tummy
While Leroy walks around
To open my door
“I wish you had stayed
I wish I was taking you home with me
No matter how small”
My silent darling
Just this morning I woke up
Full
Full of hope
Plans
A bump to hide
And yet
Ominously
Not nauseated
I shrugged it off
So many things to do
How could I not have stopped
How could I not
Have felt the change
Just hours ago
I was eager
Eager to see that flashing beat again
Eager for a better picture
For an instagram post
Announcing our happiness
Expectantly
I had rolled my glance
From the ceiling
To his face
Then
Everything went wrong
He stares at the monitor silently
“What is it?”
I ask
Almost only
To break the sudden
Asphyxiation
Of silence
“Kathryn, sweetheart, there’s no heartbeat.”
The words don’t fall
Like bricks
They shred
Like shrapnel
Sharp and precise and despicable
Permanent
I will never excise them
They thud into place
Notched into my marrow
He’s gone
No heartbeat
My baby
Our baby
Is gone
Like a picture
Accidentally erased
I ask if he’s sure
While I stare at the black and white cradle
Of my once flickering womb
My question
Comes back
To strap itself
Across my chest
Like a straight jacket
It’s over
It’s over
It’s over
This can’t be happening
This has happened
Then I break
The room softly empties
Of everything
Except my tears
The quiet monitor
And
The suddenly palpable
Presence of the Lord
So strong
So immediate
As my dreams crumble
An inexplicable peace settles on me
Like perfume
I can hear a small whisper in my weeping heart
“Child. I am here.”
No explanations
No apologies
Just
“You’re not alone.”
As a person
Who has met with grief
A time or two
The kind of grief
That unwinds you
Slowly and maliciously
Thread by thread
I recognize this moment
The moment you choose
To place your hand
Into the hand of Providence
Or the moment you choose
To go ahead and sink
To be mastered by tragedy
I have chosen the long dark fall
At least once before
In this moment
In spite of all the suffocating pain I feel
In spite of the siren of self pity
In spite of the anger and shock
I choose His hand
And I straighten my back
“I will stay. I don’t have to understand. I will stay.”
Eventually I am sitting
In my Doctor’s office
Surrounded by pictures of babies
He explains my options
With great sympathy
He delivered my last child
He is exceedingly gentle with my pain
Talks like he’s holding
A cup of scalding water
I bled so much with Glory
He is hesitant to let me “pass”
The baby by myself
I could hemorrhage
He reassures me
Nothing is my fault
This is common
All the time
This happens
Women just mostly
Never talk about it
He schedules
A DNC at 5pm
For that same day
An outpatient operation
I make it back into my coat
Standing dumbly outside
In the cold
All I can think is
“I was supposed to get a picture today.”
But I saw him
Resting on the screen
So still
I will never unsee that stillness
Climb into the van
And realize
Even though it’s just his body
The time I get to keep him
Is rapidly closing
Just a few more hours
I talk to him
Just like I have done
Everyday
Since I saw the line on the stick
It was so bright
So strong
My voice cracks
“I’m sorry little lamb.
I would have come to look just for you.
Always.
I always would have come”
Maybe he was never meant to stay
He was quieter in my body
Than his sisters
But I could still feel him
A sovereign soul
Occupying my heart
Eventually
I cry to My Love
On the phone
The shock in his voice
Is strangely comforting
I’m instructed to come right home
Or to stay right there
If I don’t think I can drive
I say that I can
I cry
With Joni
On the drive back
Wish for a River
Strong enough to skate on
I cry
Back home
While I change out of maternity leggings
Into regular loose pants
Leroy arrives
I hear him come in
HIs parents were already here
Watching the girls
Without seeing
I know he waits for no condolences
He’s looking only for me
I hear his long strides down the hall
Pause and wait
For my favorite arms and shoulders
The divine chest
That houses that magnificent heart
He scoops me up
Like snow
Into kisses
Into assurance and peace
From that moment
He always has his hand on me
Just the sight of his face
Reminds me of the miracle of our meeting
The miracles we have already been blessed with
The miracles that are yet to be
Before long
We are sitting in vinyl chairs
With Health magazines
People with coughs
Relatives and wheel chairs
These moments
Feel sacred
And tremulous
Like a dream
You try to remember
After waking
A former president’s funeral
Drones on the TV
I try not to remember the last times
I left this exact same building
With a bundle of life and joy
They will call my name soon
Soon the gas will come through the vents
Soon he’ll be memory
The candle will go into a drawer
Never to be lit
No birthdays
No cake
No firsts
I’m nervous
About the amount of pain I feel
About the amount of crying
People won’t understand
They will say it’s too much
It seems to be dripping from my pores
He was too small
I didn’t know him
I can have more children
But I knew him
I knew all he might
What he might love
What he might say
How he might feel in my arms
What his hair
Might smell like
Other children
Won’t overwrite
The one I have lost
My hand instinctively rests on my stomach
Soothing no one
I feel vulnerable
A cavernous
Impending
Empty
Threatening
To bring this day
To it’s conclusion
I’m not ready
To wake up plain
Alone in my body
I fold the tissue into
Ceremonious squares
Like flags for a soldier
I have cried for hours
Eventually
They take my blood
Check all the boxes
I answer
The same questions over and over
Kathryn Petras
5/16/80
A DNC
While they buzz around me
I consider
The small unseen arrogance
That existed in my life
I have suffered so many other things
In life
So in this
This one pain
I will be spared
My reckoning comes
Like a dunking tank
At the cruelest fair
Sputtering in water
That until a few hours ago
I didn’t know was underneath me
People keep saying
It happens all the time
That it’s really quite common
It’s not common
When it happens to you
Every time someone says it
I feel the long leeching fingers
Of bitterness
I could let this ruin my heart
I could let this wound
Keep me wounded
But I won’t
I won’t
I won’t
I won’t
I will grieve
But I will not be conquered
We wait in pre-op
I’m wrapped in paper
No ring
No necklace
I frantically search for a lullaby to hum
One that could belong just to him
I settle
For our family favorite
Edelweiss
Everyone who comes with a needle
Is bad at that part of their job
I’m strangely relieved by the pain
Something to attach
This inner agony to
My anesthesia nurse is the first
And only one
Who leans in quietly to ask
As she bruises my hand and fumbles with my IV
“How far along were you?”
I tell her
It’s like saying his name
Her head drops
She pats my shoulder
Visibly moved
“I’m so sorry Honey.
I’m so so sorry.”
I will never forget her for that
I make a mental note
To be that kind of person
For the rest of my life
As the finish line draws near
Someone appears with my
Fist dose
Of sleep
I cling to Leroy for a moment
Try to cover myself with as much of him as I can
Through my tears
I say something ridiculous
Like
“I don’t want them to take him”
He strokes my hair and says
“Oh baby. He’s gone.
This is all to make you healthy again.
Let’s just focus on getting you healthy.”
I resign myself
To healing
Recovery
My two wonderful
Healthy daughters
In the operating room
It comes into my mind
That his heart must have stopped
In the night
While I slept
The evening before
December 3rd
It’s a small comfort
He was only ever safe
In my body
Only ever loved and warm
I wake up in recovery
Crying for them to bring me my baby
The nurse reminds me
Places a stern hand on my chest
To keep me in my bed
Then I beg for Leroy
We have to wait for more medicine
My nurses name is Emily
I force her to play videos on her phone
Of My love
Our Emily
And our Uncle Jones
Singing
Their voices
Are the choir that calms me
I drink some Sprite
Soon Leroy is allowed to come back
He’s seen the Doctor
Everything went perfectly
He helps me back into my clothes
Papers are signed
Prescriptions are given
We go home alone
In spite of the medicine
I can’t stay asleep
Nightmares
Of wandering hospital hallways
Cries I can’t answer
Drawers I can’t open
Things I can’t mend
Before the sun is up
I step into the shower
Wash away the hospital smell
The sticky squares on my skin
My mind begins to sing
From Glory’s favorite
Winnie the Pooh
“And the rain rain rain
Came down down down
And the rain rain rain
Came down”
Maybe he would have liked that song
Maybe those would be
The softly chanted words
Before laying him in his bed
I emerge dripping
In front of the mirror
Go ahead and douse myself
In the oil
I was saving for when my stomach got really big
It smells like flowers
Aptly named
Holi Oil
I think of frankincense and myrrh
And how even cats
Get decent burials
I make hot tea
Instead of coffee
No breakfast
The house is still
I settle into my morning chair
Stare out into the grey sky
Wait for sunrise
And for my children
The Christmas lights on the tree
Seem somber
My nails are already
Beginning to break
December 4th is
Just the 4 of us
“And the rain rain rain
Came
Down
Down
Down
And the rain
Rain
Rain
Came down”