Don't Dream It's Over, Part 2

The morning after

We leave for the ocean

It’s been planned for months

Athena has been begging

For the beach

For almost a year

I would rather

Be anywhere

But home

And the ocean

Is a healer

I pack

An odd assortment

Of loose clothes

It’s so unfair

That your stomach

Doesn’t immediately

Retract in loss

The first night there

I get behind on my meds

Pant on the sofa

Through labor pains

Eventually succumbing to the painkillers

And to hot tea

It’s not rest

But I pass out

The Ocean keeps it’s promise

The wind and the waves

The enormity

Theres something wonderful

About coming to the edge of the land

To the edge of where we can walk

The effect it has on my children

Whips joy into my heart

The progeny

Of a life long Thalassophile

And the son of a sailor

Seem to find their home

Where the earth meets the water

Their delighted smiles

Eager fingers

Sifting the sand

Becomes a salve I didn’t expect

I think of all the plans we had

For baby three

How different my body feels now

Sorrow and joy

In equal measure

But the peace the Ocean gives

Is inescapable

It’s own drug

We are around people a lot

So I’m forced into a sort of normalcy

Which is good

But I cry in the shower

Or whenever I’m alone

I stupidly look up things on the internet

That I have no business seeing

I learn we were days away

From the percentage of a healthy pregnancy

Being almost entirely in our favor

I clock about 3 hours of sleep a night

Before nightmares

Drive me to the couch

And to pleading prayers

Like the Ocean He made

My Maker is another drug of peace

He is always there when I wake

He seems to wait on the sofa for me

As I furiously write

Commune

Bleed onto the page

Cry into my hands

I am so sad

But not enveloped

By despair

For the first time

In many years

I feel a certain closeness

To the Almighty

That only comes with pain

Just like Athena or Glory

When they get hurt

They run for strong Daddy arms

It’s different

From when they are just happy

It’s different from when

They are greeting him

So it proves with my heavenly Father

His strength is unending

In my brokenness

I can just go ahead and unravel

And be safe

I read the Psalms

A favorite poetry

I keep my doctor’s office promise

To stay

Even though

I don’t understand

Even though

I want to run

Some moments

I feel like I’m being punished

Then I feel like

The Lord is working in ways

I can’t see

The next moment

I don’t feel anything

Leroy and Uncle Jones

Have a show to play

I keep the girls out

Past their bedtime

Glory can’t stay away from the stage

It’s her first time

To really see him perform

She points to the stage over and over

While dancing with delight

“Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!”

The smile on his face

Reminds me of a verse

I have been scribbling in my notebook

“Be at rest once more,

O my soul,

for the Lord has been good to you.”

It sews my heart up

Just a tiny bit more

Like the sight of my children

Wandering the shoreline

In sweatshirts

Carrying important buckets

Back home

And everything goes to shit

Literally

Figuratively

All the ways it can

One of the cats has been sick

So I spend my first hours home

Cleaning

The insult that I can safely clean up after the cats

Is not lost on me

I’m not pregnant anymore

So who cares

I make it out of the house

The next night

To see Whiskey Wolves play

Something I always

Always love

First a Magical Christmas show

With Emily

At a historic studio

They sing Edelweiss

The sound of Leroy’s

High impossible harmonies

Force my eyes to close

Suddenly

I’m back in the hospital

Except this time

I got to keep him

This time

He made it

And I’m kissing his head

And saying his name

Daddy is singing on the couch

By the window

Tiny fingers wrapped around mine

Moonlight

Filling the room

The song ends

It’s the most beautiful pain

Healing

Like when bandages come off

Because your wound

Is ready for air

I could hear them sing it

Everyday

For the rest of my life

I spend the evening a little

Afraid

That someone who hasn’t heard

Will ask me about the baby

And they do

I smile

Awkwardly

Say something I can’t remember

Just walk away

To sit in my chair

And worry about being rude

The next show is only the Wolves

My family

It’s triumphant

And amazing

Friends are there

The smiles come easy

Half way through the show

I start to fade

The back and forth in my mind of

“I’m cool and things are going to be fine”

And

“ Oh god. My baby.”

Starts to take it’s toll

I try not to touch my stomach

From stage

The person I love most

Who can read my heart

Across a million miles

Suddenly switches songs

Right in the middle

Something I’ve never seen him do

He abandons

The other song

For my favorite

Suddenly

There’s no one else in the room

But Mommy and Daddy

“There’s a battle ahead,

many battles are lost,

but you’ll never see the end of the road

while you’re traveling with me.

Hey now, hey now

Don’t dream it’s over…”

For a moment he holds my gaze

Trading his usual devilish grin

And a wink

For a solemn steady assurance

It’s like drinking water

After you were thirsty all day

But didn’t know it

On the ride home

I can’t stop being grateful

How many people

Have that privilege

Someone who can know

Without asking

Without hardly looking

My mind drifts

To the old notebook I found

While I was pregnant with Athena

A notebook from years and years ago

When I was writing down

Like some girls do

The perfect person for me

Bullet point

By bullet point

I cried while I read it

Leroy was every line

Every one

Most especially

The one that read

“Someone who will sing to me”

A strange thing

To write at the time

But I remember

While we ride

While he searches across the seat

For my shoulder

I remember

I kept it

Didn’t cross it out

Didn’t give up

On the song

Sometimes

We collect our healing

As we go

I watch the night roll by

Steal glances of his profile

In the scattered light

Gather up my healers

Like sticks for a fire

Like sand in buckets

Like notes to a song

Home in bed

I have dreams

“Now I’m walking again,

To the beat of the drum,

And I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart.”