Don't Dream it's Over, Part 3
“While you are away
My heart comes undone
Slowly unravels
In a ball of yarn”
That’s what I guess
I would have put
On the marker
Bjork
Instead of a bible verse
Too small
To be buried
Too big to be nothing
Still
I had selected so much
The color he would come home in
The small stuffed something
That would become his favorite
Sometimes
I feel great
I forget
Bound up
In all the joy of my life
Then a sudden pang
Or a small moment
Standing by the stove
I am reminded
The thread comes loose
I feel like
I’m always forgetting something
Athena asks me
A few days home
From the beach
We are sitting on the bed with Sister
Watching “shows”
Her dark eyes
Fill with worry
“Mommy, what happened to the baby in your tummy?’
I blink at her calmly
Try to look
Like she just asked me
Why the sky is blue
We had rehearsed what to tell her
If she asked
It all runs from my mind
She waits expectantly
To stall
I say
“That’s an important question. Let’s get Daddy to help us answer it.”
Leroy comes to sit with us
We say what ever it is
That you say
She seems satisfied
With our answers
But still
Stares at me quietly
After her Daddy leaves
“But Mommy, I really wanted that baby”
I stroke her hair out of her face
“ I know sweetheart, I really wanted that baby too”
She continues
To bring him up
From time to time
So he lives a little more
In Sisters hopeful heart
She gets her Doctor kit
Says she will fix my tummy
Get baby brother out
I remind her that he can’t be gotten
This time she looks at me calmly
With the same sadness
She usually reserves for melting snowmen
“That’s right Mommy, he didn’t ever grow up, but i can’t still paint him pictures.”
You’d think her moments
Of near crushing clairvoyance
Would cause me pain
But it’s balm for the wound
He mattered to someone else
Someone had planned for him too
A future with him in it
Creeps into someone else mind
In her own small way
She is medicine
Late one night
The girls are sleeping
Daddy is singing songs
Out in the wild world
Just me and my loose threads
And two bottles of wine
One
Kind of crappy
One really excellent
Brought to us months ago
By our friend Jay
Who shares my affinity
For enjoyment
“This is one of my favorites.
Open it on a special occasion,
and let it breathe for awhile”
This feels like
The most worthy occasion
A bottle of wine could ask for
I uncork it
Pour a ceremonious sized glass
Leave it to the air
While I gather all the things
The tiny blue candle
The stick
With the bright blue lines
My hospital band
The glossy black and white “portrait”
The cork from the wine
A box
For all of it to live in
My first sip of wine
Since not being pregnant anymore
Goes down like communion
Brings the blood to my cheeks
I understand
Finally have a meager
Transfigured
Understanding
Of the wine and the blood
The bread and the body
“This do
In remembrance
Of me”
Growing up in the church
Communion was a favorite ritual
In my tumultuous childhood
The tiny cups
The tiny terrible crackers
Were a strange stability
Any larger spiritual lesson
Was lost
Even unlooked for
As the wine
Does it’s work
I realize
There’s no lesson
It’s only remembrance
It seems
Even The Son of God
Knew
You can’t have one
Without the other
Happiness and sorrow
Woven tightly together
Until we wake
On another shore
I carefully arrange
Each memory
Like flowers
In the box
Allow myself
To regard
For a simple tearing moment
These small things
That mean
Baby existed
They mean
Even though
We must endure Death
Remembrance
Can be it’s own kind of hope
And hope
Can bring us back to life again
I cry
Recite some broken words
Like a Hail Mary
Whispered
In some cavernous Sanctuary
Promise
I’ll remember
The sunlit days
We never had
The morning smiles
I never got to see
The love worn stuffed friend
I never found
I’ll turn over
And over again
In the puddle of love
That surrounds me
Wet myself through
With the blessings
And with the Hope
I make waffles for
Float my mourning
In mirth
Pour the wine
Let it breathe
Drain the glass
My body will be the bread
Hope will be the binding
In remembrance