I wanna be the one

I haven’t been able to write

Like medicine

You don’t want to take

The last things I wrote

Were about him

So I’m tentative

While I tap the keys

While I sip my wine

Hold the jangling keys of sorrow

Quietly in my pocket

But it’s not an open wound

For the moment

Less bleed

More like

Paper cutting

Onto the page

I think about it

More

Than I’d like to admit

How big I would be

How my days would be different

How the path I’m on now

Feels like I left the house

And forgot to turn the oven off

I read an internet meme

That said

Stop trying to be who you wish you were

Just be who you are

Who you are in this moment

It’s an interesting proposition

If you think about it

Interesting and difficult

To let go both hands

And just sit contented

In the middle

No pulls

Most of our life is spent

Outliving our past

Preparing for our future

The now isn’t good enough

This moment

Seems too tight to zip up and wear

I wasn’t like that

When I was a child

Now

Everyone I know

Is living to have less

I like less

At least

I like to to appear to be the kind of person

Who likes less

But as a life long thrifter

I also enjoy cycle

Repetition

I acquire

I Purge

Repeat

While I desperately try

To wear this aching moment

Really well

I find that

Purging

Can be hiding

Disguised as not caring

I wander through my house

Most of what I see

Makes me happy

The paint by numbers Jesus

My Papou’s meat clever

Hanging in the kitchen

The books that my sister gave me

The foam blocks

With Glory’s teeth marks

Athena’s rainbow worlds

Taped to the walls

The reality is

With

Or without stuff

I just want peace

I only want

To be still in my soul

Submerged in the water

That can’t drown me

I have it

When he’s home

When he’s wrapped around me

When I can listen to his heart

Till I’m asleep

I have it

When my daughters need me

After a nightmare

It exists in their hair

And their tiny arms about my neck

We give it back to each other in kisses

I have it

When I realize

How small I am

And how ineffable

How unfathomable

How good

The Lord is

I lose it

When I let my stuff

Whether plenty or spare

Dictate my happiness

When I allow my peace

And Joy

To be subject

To circumstance

Or fear

My past is plenty

And it’s over

My future

Is not really

In my hands

Right now

In this moment

I am only learning

To be softer

To leave my phone off

Or just use it to call people

Learning

To just be in love

To feed it and give it air

To harvest

And to plant

I am everyday

Leaving a light on

For the tiny love I lost

For a future that may find me

For Mercy

And for the joy that comes

With letting go