Everybody Wants to be a Cat
Today was crap
I was short fused
All kinds of shit went bad
Tired and defeated and tired
It seemed the day would never right itself
And it didn’t
I never remember hearing my Mother
Talk about how hard things were
She never
To my knowledge
Complained about how draining it was to be a parent
And she did it by herself
With one more than me
She did eat baked potatoes a lot
At night after work
When I should have been sleeping
I would often find her
At the table
Enjoying the quiet
A somewhat somber look on her face
Eating a baked potato
With lots of salt and butter and sour cream
Because how the hell else would you eat one
I never noticed then
But I guess it was comfort for her
Something warm and simple and just for her
Not to mention cost efficient
After today
Ground me down to a fine powder
Of all my worst traits
And general parenting fails
I found myself in the kitchen
Missing my Mother
Again
Tears running down my face
Again
Prepping her post work meal of choice
And running through all the scenarios I could have handled better
While it cooked
I made an appropriately sad salad
Hearts of Palm and Black Olives
Only those two things
I sat down
And was soon joined by my eldest
Because she never stays in bed when I tell her to anymore
She ambled to my side
Gazed over the defeated shambles that used to be her Mother and said
“Oh Mommy. Don’t be sad.”
Then she threw herself into my lap and slung her arms around my neck
I hugged her tight for a few minutes
She pulled back and looked over at my bowl
“Oh Mommy! What are you eating?
I sigh
“Mommy’s eating a salad.”
Her eyes grow wide with genuine excitement and she proclaims to me like I have won the lottery
“Oooooh!! You are eating a salander?!?!”
Good gorl Mommy. Good gorl.”
I cry a little bit
From laughing
Which is a nice change
I tell her we can watch Aristocats before she goes to sleep
We snuggle up in “Mommy’s big bed”
She spills an entire cup of water all over us both
Refuses to keep her pajama bottoms on
Because she “has to sleep in her legs”
We whisper sing the song together
"Everybody wants to be a cat.
Because a cat's the only cat,
who knows where it's at."
She eventually lays her head
Across my middle
Where she used to live
Not so long ago
Pats my stomach
Tells me I have a nice tummy
We fall asleep
In two hours
The other one wakes
When I enter the room
She is standing
Peering over the rail of her crib
Her tiny perfection face
Illuminated by the light from the hall
She chirps at me
Like I’m being scolded
Her eyebrows seem to say
“Where have you been Mommy?!”
I scoop her up
Even though the blogs say not to
Rock her in my arms for several minutes
Until a deep sigh tells me
She can be laid down
The minute the door closes
She erupts into shrieks
So I let her cry
For only a minute
And even though I have done this parent thing before
I still slump down in the hall
And cry with her
Till she falls
Fairly quickly
Back to sleep
The current nightly dance continues
And eventually she ends up
Back in Mommy's arms
And it seems sometimes
Like all they do is take
Like one day
I’ll be no more than a stump for sitting
Like that tree
And that ungrateful bastard
Like we have been snatched up
By a greedy butler
Dropped into a faraway field
With only our basket
But
At the end of the day
What else am I really for
Except to give my life
Everyday
For them
To keep it together
When I don't know what the hell I'm doing
I am constantly covered
In my children
Climbing my legs
Clinging to my chest
Looking behind
To see if I’m still there
Before they scamper further away
Sometimes I get breaks and rest
Sometimes I press until I break
And still don't rest
Somedays are great and dripping with joy
Somedays suck really badly
Times when I wonder
What the hell I was thinking
Times when I know
That my life was hell without them
Days when I win
Moments when I fail
Nights that seem made
For nothing more
Than Aristocats
Salty hallway waiting
Trees bending into benches
Buttery baked potatoes
And a "Salander"