Handbags and Hope

I never had a Kate Spade bag

Mostly because 

Everyone else did

Her handbags
Were too sunny
Too good
Too square

All American and blonde

Intersting
That she herself
Brunette
And by all accounts

Generally  sunny

Was the kind of girl
I would have likely
Shared some wine with
Talked about the deeper parts
The darker parts

Of being a woman
Of presenting a brand
To the rest of the world

That may in fact
Be just a caricature
Of the person you want to be

I never was a depressive type

My survival instinct was too strong
When I was young
When the lights were in danger
Of being shut off
When the bills were never paid on time

When it was me against the world 

As a girl who really enjoys
A good spar now and again

Depression was something that happened to people
Who were too weak to fight

If you struggled with mental disease
Or a deep cavernous sadness
That you just couldn’t shake

I used to be the girl
Who couldn’t understand you

Who would tell you
To just get over it

The Good Lord
Has a wonderful way about Him

The Almighty Parent
A gentle way
Of leading us

To another’s trough to drink

My life and my circumstances
Have brought me to those caverns
Once or twice

No one was more surprised
Than I was

To find myself
Stumbling and limp
In the very bottomless depth of them
Where I couldn’t see my hand in front of my face
Or begin to even fathom
A good spot for climbing
Or a reason to try to live

Here we must define living

I went to work
I had dinner with friends
Enjoyed the wind and sunsets 

Happily replied with

"I'm fine"

Walked through the dance of life

All the while
Counting the time in my head

But I wasn’t living

I learned to do that later

After tragedy and terror 

After I moved the ancient boundary stones
I swore
I never would

There were days
When I attempted suicide
On the nightly

Batted my lashes at death
Begged him to consume me

I was beyond reckless with my life
Put myself in deliberate danger

Swallowed enough poison water
To put down a horse

Yet I survived

Almost
In spite of myself 

I take no credit

I just hung on 

When I let go
Something much greater
Hung onto me

When I came out of that time
And into the greatest joy of my life

There was still
After the birth of my children

Some darkness
Swaying it’s head in the corner

Waiting for me
To walk to it

But it was different than before
I wasn’t a free woman

I was tethered to life

By more than just my children
By more than just
Finding my great love

I was tied to hope

I had seen it win

At the eleventh hour

In the ninth inning 

Experienced the great mercy
Of being found by joy
Against all odds

I don’t know what it’s like
To build an empire

To have everything
The world tell’s me I should
To be a Mom Boss

I don’t know success
Of that magnitude or weight

I know what it’s like
To see love
Go it’s own way

I know the pain
Of crippling loss

Loss that makes you feel

Like a stranger in the world

I know what it’s like
To have everyone fooled

To fool
Even yourself

Judgment

Isn’t in my nature
I am too wicked
For rock holding

I would like to say
I would never write
The words Kate wrote

To my own daughters

That I would never
Lace a scarf around my throat
Give it all away 

End the round

Before the bell

But those words
Don’t need saying

What needs to be said

What I want you to hear

If you need to hear it

Is that hope
By it’s very nature

Thrives
When it’s gone

It springs to life
Right where it shouldn’t be

Through scalding pavement

And twice burned earth

It multiplies
In putting your feet to the floor
Just one
More
Time

It flowers
In mire and muck
And shit

In dirty sheets
And sober regrets

If you can’t find it
Look again

If you still can’t find it
LOOK AGAIN

If it continues to elude

Ask directions

Dream of it
Paint it’s picture
Sing it’s song

Live 

In it's expectation

Tell your friends
What it will look like
When it arrives

What you will wear it with
When it comes

Maybe
It will look like

A face you’ve seen a thousand times
A story you’ve never read
A terrible day that turns
To laughter

A light you never saw coming

A favorite handbag
Too square and
Too bright

One you would have never
Bought for yourself