"When I'm Small"
I have
The most wonderful life
I’m no billionaire
No giant success
At much of anything
There are many places left
To get to
But right here
Right now
Is quite delicious
You know that love
The love we all dreamed about in high school
That we saw in movies
Read about in Jane Austen Novels
The love
People in church sometimes
Tell you isn’t “real”
I have that love
My perfect match
My soulmate
My very cells
Adore him
Even when I don’t
Together
We have made with our love
The most magical of children
Bright
Lovely
Ineffable
We have everything we need
Plus most of our wants
Plus some really cool cats
And an impressive record collection
So imagine my surprise
When after birthing my second
My Glorious little Glory Girl
I realized
That I was sad
I was anxious
I was constantly
All day long
Pressing down an unhealthy state of mind
Every morning
I awoke to the monster
Every morning I tamed him
Or at least
I kept him at bay
I noticed
I lost my temper more
I clapped my hand to my mouth more
In humiliation
And shame
Of the words that just escaped
I apologized a lot to my toddler
I told myself
The post baby hormones
Just never went away
Or they were staying too long at the party
Until one night
I was crying
For no reason really
And I couldn’t stop
The girls were in bed
My Love was playing a show
I would call my Mother in law
Tell her to come get the girls
Then I would drive myself to the hospital
Beg them to admit me to the psych ward
Because I was very obviously
Crazy
I never had thoughts
Of harming my children
Or even myself really
But I was coming apart
I couldn’t care for them
They would be better off without me
That last thought
Was the one that did it
I called the doctors office the next morning
They would take my blood
Find my hormones to be wacky
They would find a deficiency
A tumor
Something to give reason to the war I was constantly waging
Eventually
I sat on that crinkly paper bench
Short a pint or two of blood
And poured my heart out to my OB/GYN
He is a wonderful doctor
So he listened to me
For 45 minutes
While I told him
That from time to time
I had felt
“dangerously sad”
I had felt overwhelmed and like I wasn’t myself
He said some very revolutionary things to me
The first of which was
“The mind has emergencies too, just like the body. They are no less real. You shouldn’t be ashamed of taking the proper steps to care for your mind. If you ever feel that way again, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM."
The second was
“You have had two children, and two major surgeries in a short amount of time. That’s a lot of life change and adjustment. That’s a lot of giving up yourself. It’s normal to be sad about that…even if you also feel happy.”
He then diagnosed me with exhaustion
And Post Partum Depression
Something I never thought would happen to me
He said he didn’t think I needed medication
Yet
Instead I needed
To stop shaming myself
For wanting to be alone sometimes
Or for feeling like my body had been ravaged
At nearly 40
You don’t bounce back from the second C-section
Like you maybe would have in your twenties or early thirties
I’m at least two sizes larger than I have ever been in my whole life
Guess what
That’s a big fucking adjustment
For anyone
I don’t need to be “self love” shamed
For wishing sometimes
That my body was like it used to be
Still
The crazy I was feeling
Seemed like it must be
Only Hormones
I never occurred to me
That the blackness I was constantly fighting
Was anything other
Than misaligned biology
It never occurred to me
That it could be
Related to anything circumstantial
How could my happy wonderful life
Be making me sad
But it wasn’t my life really
It was me
I was forgetting me
The real me
Not the me who wants others to think I’m doing great
ALL THE TIME
Not the me who worries about dirty dishes and clean closets
Not the me
Who has for most of my life
Put myself last
No
The real me
The me who loves rain
And really bright sunshine
And wind
Messy hair
Hot pavement on my bare feet
Peach cobbler and Boston Cream Pie and Chocolate Eclairs
Storytelling
Bottles of wine
Friends
An entire bag of chips
My love
My children’s bright eyes
When they say “Mommy”
That me
The me
That needs a Mother Fucking break
Every now and again
To listen to Pantera really loud
And to get an unnecessary pedicure
I left my appointment feeling hopeful
I was ordered to sleep more
Get out more
Go to Birmingham and see my Unicorns
When I got home
My love
Went to work
As he always does
On plans to make me happy
Our beloved babysitter at least once a week
All day
So Mommy can go
More rest
More dates
More conversations
Less cell phones
Feeling encouraged
I texted some girlfriends
Told them my diagnosis
One
A very dear one
Who is also a Mother
Said to me
After lots of love and encouragement
“I thought you had it all together, and I was over here being a weakling with just my one baby.”
My immediate thought was shameful
I shouldn’t have told her
Now she will know
I don’t have all my shit together
My second thought was more appreciable
Thank God I told her
What if it saves her one day
One day when there is toddler shit in the bathtub
A missed work opportunity
A pair of jeans that still doesn’t fit
A piling up of everything we Mommies give everyday
What if in that moment
When she’s feeling sad
When she’s not a #momboss
When she feels helpless
Or worse
Alone
What if she remembers that I struggle too
What if she remembers
She isn’t alone
And that it’s okay
For sadness
To be circumstantial
Even when your life is
“perfect”
So what I leave for you
Dear Reader
Is this
Please know
If it gives you aid
It’s okay to be sad when you shouldn’t be
You can be mad that your body
Is vastly changed
You don’t have to love it
You can be overwhelmed
With equal parts Joy
And misery
You can love your life
Love yourself better
Give yourself the mercy required
To ask for help
To leave “perfect” behind
And venture into the endless journey
That is
Not ever having
All your shit together