"A Horse With No Name"

"A Horse With No Name"

The world is different

Now

Whether you wear a mask

Or not

Whether you believe it’s the end

Or a beginning

Or both

It’s all different

Now

When My Mother died

I learned a lot

About anger

I learned

A lot

About fear

I learned

They often

Wear each other’s clothes

I learned that medicine

Can be worse than the disease

I learned

As C.S. Lewis said

When we try to rise above Nature

We often fall

Beneath it

I learned

People will do almost anything

Say

Or believe

Almost anything

Rather than admit

They are afraid

We will blame and bluster

Belittle and beleaguer

The more we

Wring our hands

In silence

The greater

Our oppressor

Grows

Which is unfortunate

Since saying it

Usually helps

To swallow it away

I remember

The week before

Loretta was born

Leroy went to Chicago

Poor due date planning

On our part

I was everyday

Of 9 months pregnant

All caps

While he was gone

Birdie came down with Influenza A

And a fever so high

She stumbled red-faced

Into the Living Room

After a nap

In tears

To tell me she was “melting”

Our beloved babysitter

Stayed with Glory

While I frantically bundled my shaking child

Into the car

Sped to the hospital

During the chaos and panic

A moment happened

I will never forget

As I barreled out of our driveway

I looked into the rearview mirror

Caught my first born’s glassy eyes

“Everything’s going to be alright Birdie.”

I lied

What the hell do I know

About even

The very next second

The truth is

I don’t remember ever being more terrified in my life

If you’re a parent

I don’t have to tell you

What was racing full tilt

Through my mind and heart

Would they admit her

What if it’s something worse

What if I lost her

The slide

Goes faster

When you have birthed them

And when you have lost

But my Birdie

Mystical creature that she is

Looked back at me

In the mirror

In that moment

She said

So calmly

“Mommy. I’m really afraid.”

Part of me

Immediately died

I had nothing prepared

Every parental platitude

Abandoned me

All the things

I should have said

Dried up in my throat

By the grace of God

I stared back

And said

“Mommy’s really afraid too.”

Till I die

I’ll never forget

The look on her face

It was the moment she learned

There are monsters in this world

It was also

The moment she learned

It was okay

To say their name

And then

To chop their heads off

She nodded

At my admission

“What will happen at the Doctor?”

Again

I told the awful truth

“ I don’t know what will happen, But I promise we’ll get through it together.”

And we did

Her sister

Came down with it

The next day

And for a whole week

Before I became a Mother of three