"The Hand That Feeds"

I came of age in the 90’s

Which means
I lived a childhood
Where smart phones didn’t exist

And that I will never wear chokers again

It means
When I took pictures of my friends in High School
We had to wait a week or two to see them

You had to make a plan
BEFORE leaving the house

My first cell phone was a Nokia
About the size of my hand
With a snap on Tortoise shell cover

I loved that phone

It only made phone calls

I remember when I got it though
Being initially resistant

Resistant to the idea that people could
ALWAYS reach me

I could no longer say
Sorry
I wasn’t home

I had to say
Oh
My phone died
Or I had to answer

It felt intrusive

Maybe it’s the Taurus in me
But I am
And have always been
Strangely gradual with technology

When Leroy got me a new lap top for my birthday one year
It took me nearly a month to open it
Get it set up
And start using it in place of my busted up old one

When I got my iPad it was the same
I spent nearly $800 on it
And all it’s accessories and insurance

Then it sat in my loft
In it’s box
For an embarrassingly long time
I think it currently lives in my daughters pajama drawer 

When I was first confronted
With My space
And then Facebook

I thought

This is for insecure college kids
Who don’t know how to make friends

I wrote something about it
With and actual pen and paper

“Passive Agression
Available with decorative wallpaper and a soundtrack
For the mindless masses”

Yet here I am

Checking my phone
And my Insta
And my apps

Ignoring people at the dinner table
To answer a text message

Just like you

Recently
I had the great pleasure of attending a wedding
As super fancy town wedding
That would have left most people
Salivating for the social media likes

One where we were asked to leave our phones off
No pictures
No hashtags
Just be present

Guess what

It was fucking great

For nearly 4 days
I only checked my phone
To see what time it was
Or to check on my kids
Or to order delivery

I used my phone
Like it should be used

You may wonder
What the big difference was

The difference was vast
I was sharper
More interested
More interesting

As a woman attending an event where I needed to look nice
I just got ready
And then enjoyed myself
Really enjoyed myself

A night of talking and laughing and revelry
Without my vanity elbowing in
To see if anyone liked my post
Or said how pretty I looked
Once I had applied the right filter

I tend to think
In spite of my involvement in Social Media

That it can make us

A little more
Socially inept

It’s ironic

But is it evil
Is it inherently bad

I don’t think so

What's wrong with it

What does it take from me

Precious moments of waiting that's what

Waiting
According to recent scientific study
Is a skill the population at large
Currently lacks
And its fucking things up

Waiting
Teaches us
Especially children and young adults
To cope with stress

It actually exercises and develops
The part of our brain
That helps us overcome a difficult situation
Without coming unglued
Or uncontrollably anxious

When you don’t know how to wait
You don’t learn how to manage stress
You become
Irritable
Volatile
Lazy
Depressed

You don’t have to look very far
For the evidence

Ask yourself
When’s the last time
You waited for something
An appointment
Or whatever
Without checking your phone

In these moments

It takes the boredom that would spark creativity
Or conversation with a stranger
Fills it with comparison

It takes the tiny in between moments on my daughters faces

It cushions reality
And also
Sharpens it's blade

Replaces my full participation in an experience
With a curated capture

It does give me

A place to catch up with those far away

But

It can make  my communication half hearted
I don't have to be proactive in my relationships
I can just post

At the wedding I mentioned before
I met a friend who I only really keep up with
On Instagram
She was pregnant
After I congratulated her
I said
“You didn’t post it! I had no idea!”
And then I felt like an asshole

Social Media
Gives me a place to hide
 When I should be turning to face
A task
A pile of laundry
A beautiful day

It gives me a platform to speak my thoughts and opinions
Unfettered by any real emotional responsibility with my audience

It gives me a "better than you" mirror when I'm down
And a "better than them" mirror when I'm up

Here I must interject
That I enjoy seeing insta stories
Hearing about events I might like to attend
Seeing pictures of my cousins babies
Recording and then posting
Every time I see Leroy play
Or chatting with friends via 15 second videos

These are all great things
Things that can contribute to us
Make us better

Mostly I try not to have an illusion about who I am
I try to keep an accurate idea
Of exactly who
This Kathryn person actually is

Social Media
Is not the best tool
For seeing oneself accurately

Or anyone else for
For that matter

Having said that
I tend to look at Social Media
Like Alcohol

The right amount can lead you to Joy
It can spark warmth and good feelings
Inspiration

But it can fuck you up
REALLY BADLY
If overused
Or misused

It can magnify sorrow
And relieve you of an all important part of your brain
The part that says
“Maybe don’t say that”

Speaking of Joy

I think that’s what we all want
When we log in
We want validation
And likes
And Joy

But Joy is not something we create
It's not circumstantial
Like it's flaky sister Happiness

Joy is dangerous
Or rather
It's the foothold beneath danger
Like the sliding ground under the ocean

It’s hard to stand in this life
If you’re staring at your phone
In place of the horizon

You’re a little too distracted
A little soft and unsteady 

Easily knocked over
And swept away

Left to the mercy of change 

Social Media 

Isn’t good
Like the sunrise

It’s good
Like a picture of the sunrise

It isn’t good
Like when you climb to the top
Of a long worked for dream

It’s good like hearing a story
Of someone who did

It’s reading the review
Of a really great bottle of Vino
In place of drinking it
In place of tasting every nuance
And shade of flavor

The former is no good
With out the actual execution

Whatever I say here
Whatever I show you online

It doesn’t take the place of being present

Words and pictures
Will never mean as much to my daughters
As what I actually did with them

God have mercy on me

If they grow up
Fighting a phone for my attention

I love when Leroy
Says he loves me

But it only matters
Because he sits with me
In the evening

Because he always looks for me
In a crowded room

Not because he posts about it online

He doesn’t ever do that
By the way

Not because I am unimportant
But because
I am
“too important”

In closing
My wish for my life
And for yours

Is that we can be heavy with each other

That we can gain the weight of relationships
That only comes with shared experience
With being there

This isn’t me teetotaling
This is me
Ordering a water
Before shit gets out of hand

So 

Switch off the phone for an afternoon
Delete those mind numbing apps

Face the world full on
Drink in every drop of joy
And pain
It has to offer you

Straight from the bottle

Party
Like it’s Nineteen Ninety something